Someone once asked me what I was afraid of and I answered, “I’m afraid of being afraid.” They laughed at me and claimed my answer was illegitimate, but it’s an honest answer. I might have left out some things (like large spiders), but in reality I am literally afraid of being afraid. I used to have (and still do have at times) really bad stage fright. The weird thing is, I wasn’t afraid of being on the stage or even of making mistakes, but of becoming too afraid to perform well. I knew that if I were to get nervous, then I would get shaky and sing like a sheep. I would get so nervous about becoming nervous that I would indeed shake. It sounds like I’m talking in circles, but the point I’m trying to make is that fear is something I don’t like to experience.
So maybe the fact that I have the very word “fear” in my blog seems odd. Why does Paul say that we should work out salvation with fear and trembling? Neither one sounds very appealing. But the process of working out one’s salvation—a process of trying on a daily basis to understand more of God and how to follow Him, is scary because it’s a journey with a lot of mystery. It includes questions that are too often answered with more questions. But I don’t want to be too afraid to embark on that journey because I think the fear experienced during it will only lead me to depend more on God, who is eager to spill blessings of grace and peace on his daring children. In an ironic way, I’m overcoming fear by letting myself be afraid.
Okay so last night... I babysat Joseph Eubanks, and it was one of the most enlightening nights of my life. Now don't get me wrong, Joseph is smart exceedingly so for his age, but I was just blessed last night!
ReplyDeleteThe Eubanks came home much later than anticipated and so after putting Joseph to sleep, I thought about you know... drowning out the time with television. More than anything I was really hoping they would come back soon because the later and later it gets, the more nervous I am to go into my house under the preconditioned circumstances.... ya know?
But anyways, I couldn't figure out how to turn on the television. So I walked around and looked at all the different books lying around. I looked at three or four... none really stuck out, but I thought would be a quick simple read called "Voices of the True Woman Movement". I started reading for what seemed like twenty minutes very skeptical at first because well books about and what women should do sometimes give me the heebee geebies or just say like a same ol' same ol' ya know?, and the next thing I know I'm three parts finished with the book two hours later than expected-- moved with serious thought and contemplation I still cannot get over!
I was blessed because the book changed how I see the women in the stories of the Bible. Just added more perspective. I could tell you about it, but I'd rather you experience it! Especially the part that talks about Esther.
I still haven't finished the book, but I don't really think I can right now. Three parts in and I'm unsure of how to apply/ how to understand my own life right now. It kind of makes me scared because I don't really understand right now. And I like to understand things. But I'm going to work through it with some fear and trembling too. :) Scary scary scary scary. :) But I'm excited. Unsure. But excited.
I think I'm going to talk to my parents about visiting you some when my school ends if that wouldn't be too much of an imposition! Love you dearly! And love your blog!
I ordered the book :).
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